I am in hell right now
this is me, only better.
Since you asked, I’m dyeing my hair. I’m doing it the “natural” way, with a henna dye. I’ve been using the industrial lady-dyes for a couple of years now. Back when my hair was a lovely glossy brown, I blondissima’d the hell out of it and dyed it different my little pony colors…but as of late I am feeling somewhat more dignified, as befits my forties. I do not want to go au naturel because I have grey hairs coming in. I would love to have grey hair…but not two-tone, dark brown with grey stripes. It’s the transition I am uncomfortable with–I think it makes me look mangy.
The problems with the industrial lady dyes, though, are many. First of all, I get guilty when I rinse all that toxic stuff down the drain–if it will blind me (“do not use to dye eyelashes–may cause blindness” says the package), what does it do to the fish and the whales? My city, Victoria, (west coast of Canada) flushes its raw (sieved–yum) sewage directly into the ocean, which would be pretty ecologically neutral if we didn’t put so much poison down our drains. Then there are the little plastic bottles, with recycling code 16 or something, not acceptable as a recyclable, so they go in the landfill.
And apparently people who dye their hair regularly have a much higher incidence of bladder cancer. I don’t want that. Also, my hair is breaking off and looking like hell, having undergone so many dye jobs (it’s below my shoulders and I don’t want to cut it). I don’t know which is worse–split ends, bladder cancer…(doing that weighy thing with hands).
So I went on a mission to a health-food superstore, Lifestyle Market, (but everyone calls it “lifestyles”) to see what they had. I had used henna dye in the ’80’s but the only color it came in was Screaming Hippie Red, and it was like gloppy horse shit that fell off your head and landed on your Birkenstocked feet, thus staining the suede footbeds. I was hoping that some advances had perhaps been made in natural hair dye technology, such as a color palette to choose from and maybe some kind of binding agent, or seaweed or something, to keep it from forming clumps and dropping off your head.
I haven’t been in that store for years. Looking around, I was impressed, flabbergasted and disgusted by the huge array of costly snake-oils, hemptastic snack foods and heavy aroma of miso in the air. They have a huge vitamin area complete with lurking vitamin-geek who is dying to inform you. Did you know that just like machines, humans need oil for maximum performance?
I found the hair dyes and selected one called, embarrassingly, “Light Mountain Natural COLOR THE GREY” in Chestnut. The ingredients are 100% pure botanicals, straight from nature. I maybe should have paid more attention to that foreboding statement. There was another dye, from Italy, which had a bunch of polysyllabic petroleum ingredients…did it have the one that caused bladder cancer? I couldn’t remember the word. (it’s phenylenediamine, or its derivative names benzenediamine dihydrochloride, or aminoaniline dihydrochloride–no wonder I forgot).
But did the Italian one COLOR THE GREY? Didn’t really say. So I brought home Light Mountain (15 bucks with the tax) and when I opened it I found the prerequisite giant plastic gloves that make a mockery of any fine motor-skill endeavor you might want to undertake, and a plastic bag to put over your head. There were instructions, and two bags of powder, slightly different shades of browny green, marked #1 and #2. Perhaps they should re-think the naming.
You boil up some distilled water (didn’t have any–used tap water–I’m screwed) and mix it with each of the powders in separate containers (that you *already own*–cool!) until they are the consistency of yogurt (after it has been stirred). Because yogurt is healthy. YOu must do all this without using any implement or container made of metal. I don’t know why. Then the slurries have to sit and “cure” for an hour. Like concrete?! Oh my god.
Then, the instructions say, divide your hair into sections using plastic utensils and put the #1 on your head. Ah, the old dividing hair into sections thing. It sounds so easy and…pleasant but it’s so hard to do to your own head. So I never do it. The instructions didn’t bother to include a drawing of a pretty girl with her hair in sections, so I felt like less of a loser than with the industrial ladydyes. The stuff had the consistency and smell of well aged horse shit, and was about the same color too. Here’s my main beef–it’s like ground up lawn clippings in water–it doesn’t really form a consistency that hangs together at all so when I glopped it on, I time travelled right back to the ’80’s, except when I looked down at my besmeared feet I was wearing havaianas.
Then I put the plastic bag on. You’re supposed to apply heat with a hair dryer “being careful not to melt the plastic bag”. I should say so. After 15 minutes, the instructions say, your grey hairs should look “pink or orange”. Reassuring. But how do you check them when they’re under two inches of brown glop, inside a plastic bag? I didn’t check, just rinsed my hair out in the sink, which took forever as the glop seemed to have hardened into a clay. There was transparent brownish liquid, and also sandy, hempy stems and general roughage filling the sink. Then I towelled off and inspected my hair. It was cast with a turmeric haze.
Time for #2–apparently it needs heat to set the color, but that might cause it to be red (FLASHBACK! nO!!) so you might just need to leave it on your head without the heat for “UP TO FOUR HOURS”!!!!! (emphasis mine–they didn’t seem to think it was any big deal–but then they also recommend that if you need to remove the color you should mix conditioner with Crystal Light lemonade, and put it on your hair (seriously!).
So, here I sit, army green number two oozing down my neck, tellin’ you how it is. I have two hours to go. I’m sure it will whiz by, and I’ll be a raving, natural, guilt free beauty once I rinse out the #2. Except for my green ears and neck.
On a positive note, the packaging was minimal (no plastic bottles) and my eyes aren’t watering. I don’t have bladder cancer! I don’t have bladder cancer! (repeat for two more hours).
Update: It turned out beautifully! I am amazed. Was it worth all the mess and trouble? We’ll see how fast it washes out.
11 Responses to “I am in hell right now”
Leave a Reply
Bonspiel Randomizer
September 24th, 2009 at 8:40 pm
LOL. I’m with you. Let me know how it goes – henna did not grip my hair AT ALL. plus, I rinsed in the garden for fear of clogging the drain.
I’m guessing the “blinding” stuff either is peroxide or high pH? Neither one is that bad. Not saying anything about any other ingredients.
I hope I go straight to silver. Doubtful, but one’s always hopeful.
September 24th, 2009 at 8:47 pm
I’ve always been jealous of people with beautiful silver hair. Hopefully I will join them someday. (hi mom!)
Bathing, don’t you think there’s a huge market demand for an all-natural product that’s less gritty and lumpy, and easier to apply? I’m shocked that this market hasn’t been developed further. No pun intended (developed….)
September 25th, 2009 at 2:27 pm
hey! I remember henna- thanks for that flashback!
I want to see the colour, is it delicious?
September 25th, 2009 at 4:07 pm
I had it on yesterday at your place, silly goose! Yes I really like it, but haven’t given it that all-important first shampooing yet to see how much will wash out.
September 25th, 2009 at 8:28 pm
I admire your committment to the envirnomnet! I kind of regret not colouring my hair when I was your age- but not so much, after reading your blog!
September 26th, 2009 at 7:18 am
oh ellen! you should take over this industry …crack the recipe bonspiel hair dye
November 4th, 2009 at 2:40 am
Ellen,
I was hoping to commission a bag from you but I can’t find any contact info on your website. So this is the best I can do.
I live in Victoria so I’m available to pick things up. Basically I’m looking for a leather bag big enough to hold a small laptop. I would like a crow on it. I’m fond of red or tan leather. Is this something you can do in a month?
Thanks,
Tim
November 5th, 2009 at 4:04 pm
Hi Tim,
I emailed you regarding this.
–ellen
November 10th, 2009 at 2:49 am
Hahaha! Oh, this really made me laugh! Goodness, it does bring back memories of the henna days I suffered at university, too. :) I am going to try and find a natural hair dye here and shall report back.
I am completely with you in thinking four hours is a big deal, by the way!
December 28th, 2009 at 11:31 pm
Hah, that’s funny! I have a henna waiting for me to use but I am afraid of it. How long did yours take and did you like the colour?
January 7th, 2010 at 7:25 pm
It took a couple of hours altogether. I loved the color, and the fact that it is a healthy product. My hair was getting crispy from those commercial dyes. Now I have another box but am putting off using it because it’s such a hassle.